Melly's Blog

It has been said that true beauty comes from within
This statement I agree with, true beauty eminates from the inside out
It radiates through your skin shining through making your looks mean nothing
The most beautiful person in the world can be ugly if they do not have a beautiful personality

This does not change how we look at ourselves
It can be beaten into us that our looks are just that and will fade with time
It does not stop us from wishing we were thinner, prettier or more like someone else
To change our bodies through exercise or starvation, to change our looks through make up or surgery

We are all guilty of this, of wishing wanting and hoping for a change to who we are
Of becoming more attractive to the opposite sex (or the same should that be the case)
Being referred to as beautiful by others – based solely on our looks
It can consume us – control us and ruin our lives – this constant striving for perfection

While I acknowledge and recognise the unhealthyness of this behaviour
I am honest and realistic enough to admit that I am still guilty of this behaviour
Being healthy is one thing, but being unrealistic about what we should look like is not
And there are days I border on this unhealthyness, this insanity

In this I admit that my mirror is not what others perceive
What I see each and every day is not what people see when they look at me
After struggling with my weight from the age of 10 I am finally at a good weight for me
But I struggle to see the new me in the mirror each day

It is the most difficult thing to do… Letting go…. She wants to let go to float and to allow what ever will be to be… but her brain will not allow her to do so… to just float and be taken away by feeling and life… to allow what ever needs to happen to happen…. To not worry or stress about tomorrow or the next day… It is within her to let go she knows this but every time she has let go she has come crashing down hard to reality and the pain that came at the end of these journeys constantly lives in her – and it is this reality that holds her to her control… to knowing that if she holds onto herself and not allow herself to just be she will not be hurt in anyway… She fears the end that she feels is almost inevitable because this is her history the crash at the end the pain and the difficult task of picking herself up again…. She does not know if letting go once again will mean this time she will not be able to pick herself up or if this time will be the time that she will not need to pick herself up…. She is too scared to open herself up to the possibility that letting go this time will lead her to happiness because the reality that it may also lead to her down fall is too much to bear….. she is struggling with this daily and it is a constant murmur in the back of her mind – never leaving her completely…. Letting go of these fears of being a disappointment of making her mistakes again….. Of hurting not only herself but also all those that she cares about – of disappointing anyone and everyone of having to rely on others to help her pick herself up and of letting people that far in….. Letting go is something she must do in order to live – but is living going to be the choice she makes……..

In my life the learning process has not stopped, stilled or given me any breathing room…. It seems I am constantly learning a new lesson that is supposed to make my future life easier… when this future life will come I don’t know…. But I take the good with the bad and right now I am giving myself permission to feel sorry for myself – something I try not to induldge in too often…. I am sad right now – I feel like maybe this chapter is coming to a close… I don’t know if I am ready for that just yet… I don’t know if I have a choice…. I am hurt by things I have no right to be hurt over, I am angry for actions that have no bearing on me or reflect my personality, I am tired because I can’t sleep….. I am happy because I have found my heart and soul again…. I am scared because I know its going to be broken again….. I need to stop giving so much of me to others – I have nothing left to give myself some days…. What I know is that right now where I am is probably not healthy for me and something has to change – I love who I am and the changes I have made – but I also know that I need to be happy and healthy and maybe I am not so much right now… There is so much inside that needs to get out and I have to find a way to do this – I can’t keep living behind a façade.. I am an emotional being I have needs wants and desires and I need to have these fulfilled…. I don’t know if they are – all I know is that maybe its time to end this chapter and stop getting hurt by things and people I have no right to feel hurt by – plain and simple………

In my dreams I can believe
That anything is true
I want to be the one you need
When pain comes seeping through

I see the truth in my mind
But my heart is slower to believe
It takes me time to let you in
And know that you are there for me

I can not help but wait it out
And take my cues from you
Its easier for me to be one step behind
Cause is hurts to put how I feel out there on the line

I hesitate to make the move
And tell you what is real
Because I can’t help but question
Exactly how you feel

Happiness is a dream that we all aspire to achieve – it always seems just slightly out of reach, just beyond our arms, always working hard to achieve it – if I just…. When I get….. when we do… its always just there one step ahead of us….. Then we loose something or someone that is important to us and we reminisce on all the happiness we had with them….. and then happiness becomes when I was….. when we had….. and it becomes a moment in history…. Something that is now just beyond our reach behind us… something we realise we had and feel we can’t get back….. when in reality happiness is the moment… its about living in the moment… its about accepting each and every blessing that life offers us…. The smile or hug from a friend…. The phone call from someone you love just to say hi… the child that holds your hand for no reason… the touch on the cheek from a person you love…. Those moments are all happiness in its purest form its not an object or an achievement… its not a piece of paper or money….. happiness is the moments that you remember when the event has long passed….. it the thing that brings a smile to your face just by thinking of it….. happiness is held in our hearts and can never be obtained by trying it is achieved by living life to the fullest making the most of every minute…….. happiness is with you always you just have to remember where its locked away………

It is not fair
It is not what I needed
I am not sure how to get past this
It is always on my mind

I have to wait
I have no choice
I need to know
But it is not to be

It scares me to death
I have cried many tears
My fear pours out of me
I can’t speak to anyone about it

It is just reality
This challenge I must face
It is what it is
And tomorrow will come

No matter how I hide
It will be there
No matter if I fear
It will come

I just have to face it
Get on with each day
And when the day comes
I will deal with it then

I don’t know the answers
I can’t change the facts
Its there, it happened
We can never go back

I want it to go away
Do it over again
I would have gone home
Instead my skin is stained with this sin

The thoughts in my head
I can’t get them out
I want to erase this
But all I can do is scream and shout

I am constantly angry
You have betrayed my trust
You may have ruined our friendship
Over a stupid moment of lust

You’re the one that I trusted
Beyond any doubt
You knew the inner me
Not what I decide to put out

I want to forget
To move on from this mess
I would have cut you out of my life
Had I cared for you less

I feel disgusting
Betrayed and violated
I want to take a million showers
To remove this feeling you have created

My stomach is sick
Everytime I remember
Right now I can’t forgive you
But maybe some day I will later

Its been hard to get through all my thoughts, feelings and self loathing
Internal blame is so much easier then facing the truth of the situation
Its simple to look inside yourself and question what you did
But harder still is looking at the problem with clear eyes, head and heart
Of realising that what has happened is not your fault and you can not be blamed
I am open to the situation and realise the reality of what has happened
I know that I can not change it or fix it, it has happened and going back is not an option
Forward is the only way and bettering myself and my life is the aim
In order to do this I must for give you and it has taken me a long time
But I have finally gotten past the hurt the anger and the hate
And so I forgive you……

My truth is that I struggle with me on a regular basis, feeling and fighting an internal battle…. I love deeply and without prejudice- if I love you, I love you as you are not because of who you think I want you to be… My love is here for those who deserve it and those that have it I would do anything for…. I am fighting to find myself from within – my history is marked with people who have tainted me and who have made me question the person I am – those who are close to me see a beauty I struggle to find sometimes….. I believe in the power of change of seeing my faults and choosing to either change them or embrace them…. I hate that there are pieces of me I no longer allow anyone to see because I can not trust them not to use it against me…. There are times I want to run and hide away and there are times I do…. I feel the need to be honest about my feelings often to my detriment … I want to be free to just flow but I struggle to let go….. There are things I want that I can not see ever having and I hate that….. There are people in my life that I want more from and that I want to give more to but I can not get past my fear of rejection and so I just wait and see….. I love the person I aim to be and I am finding the journey difficult at the moment – I have made promises to myself that I have not kept but right now I am happy that they have not been….. and that scares me. I want to be loved for who I am not who they think I am… I want someone to see past me into my soul…. And know when everything is not ok…… I want those I love to be happy with or without me in their life…… I truly believe in Soul Mates….. I do not know if I will find mine…. This is my truth

She almost made you fall in love
She almost made you care
But one thing she has realised
Is life isn’t always fair

She almost had your heart
In the palm of her hand
She almost held you long enough
To make you understand

She almost opened up your eyes
And helped you see the beauty within
She almost helped you make the change
To start your life over again

She almost had you trust her
Enough to leave your fear in the past
She almost got in far enough
To believe that this could last

She almost fell all the way
She almost thought it could amount
But what she has realised
Is that almost doesn’t count